What IF?
January, 1984
Late one afternoon, flush with excitement from having just about finished the world's greatest spreadsheet template, a truly profound work, whilst contemplating minor modifications, my boss rushed in, looking a bit frantic.
"Are you finished?"
"Er, I'm still what iffing."
"What iffing! Where's my budget? What iffing? You're supposed to be working on my budget!"
"I am," I said, my retreating blood leaving my face ashen. "I am. I'm just, well, I'm working on it." That's it, try to sound convincing. "I'm trying all of these what ifs so that we can be sure of the numbers."
The boss wasn't convinced. I can usually tell. This time, counter to my own metabolic response, the boss's blood pressure became visible, like Elmer Fudd's after a huge Bugs Bunny kiss, turning him into a fast-rising thermometer that bursts through boiling. Time to think fast.
"Just look at this!" Aha, distract him. "Suppose, for example, our Garbage Patch Kids line's production costs were cut by 13.7% instead of the 13.69% we have projected? What difference would that make in our costs to dealers and our total projected sales?" The boss raised one eyebrow. "Let's look at it."
My fingers began to dance. {Right}{Right}{Right}13.7{Calc}®®WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT..
The boss, staring at the little flashing cell block, became very still. His color returned to normal. Respiration, 15; pulse 72.
WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT. READY.
I woke up first. "There it is. It cuts dealer cost by .6% and increases sales 1.7%"
"Yeah?" The boss sounded interested. "What if we cut it by a full .2%?"
WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT...
"What if our shipping costs go up like they did last year?"
WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT...
"What if our labor costs go up by a nickel per unit?"
WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT...
“What if...?”
WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT...
At 6:30 the Big Boss stomped in. She was not pleased. “Mergatroid, where’s that budget?”
“Er, well, we’re still what iffing.”
"What iffing! Where's my budget? What iffing? You're supposed to be working on my budget!"
"We are," he said, his retreating blood leaving his face ashen. "We are. We're just, well, we're working on it." That's it, try to sound convincing. "We're trying all of these what ifs so that we can be sure of the numbers.”
The Big Boss wasn’t convinced...I slipped out of there with Mergatroid, the Big Boss, the Bigger Boss, and the cleaning help, all what iffing. I had better things to do.
Like eat. And sleep..
